In a world where being real and authentic is often rare, cultivating these characteristics in your relationships can create an amazing experience. Have you ever wished you could have more trust, more openness, and more comfort in your relationships? Vulnerability and openness as a means of stimulating amazing relationships deserves to become part of your relationship toolbox.
We all have shadows we cast—our past, inner thoughts, and hang-ups. Showing vulnerabilities and admitting you are human leads to deeper connections and an intense sharing more powerful than any relationship you may have previously experienced.
When you have been afraid to share, lacked the courage to open up and expose your raw and unfiltered emotions, then you have probably been surrounded by superficial connections. It is natural to fear that if our partner saw us, really saw us, they might change their mind and decide to leave us.
Yet, being vulnerable and open can lead to an amazing relationship. If you want to have commitment that is genuine and a relationship that is satisfying, then it is time to put aside your masks and reveal your vulnerabilities. It’s time to get real and to get vulnerable.
Why Should You Share Your Shadows?
While being authentic can be hard, once you have become real, it takes the strain from you. After all, it requires hard work and drains energy to keep up the appearance of being happy, successful, and resourceful.
When you share your vulnerabilities, such as your moments of depression, anger, and sorrow in your relationships, it creates a sense of trust and enables your partner to begin sharing their “ugly” with you.
We sometimes foster the mistaken belief that we need to be perfect to be in a satisfying relationship, when it should actually be a “real-ationship.” Research backs this. Studies have found that those who are authentic in their relationships experience more satisfaction, deeper connection, and greater reward through loyalty.
There are several ways to open up and begin to live authentically in your relationships. Knowing which approach to take can be intimidating. After all, you are considering letting someone see inside you for the first time.
You will be taking down some seriously fortified walls that you have put up around your heart when you embrace authentic and open living. The benefits of authentic living or embracing self-discovery include a better self-esteem, greater relationships, and more satisfying life experiences.
You should choose authentic ways that resonate with you, evaluating each for their impact and potential to create improvement in your relationships. Here are a few methods for opening up and living authentically:
1. Admitting and Sharing Vulnerability
To live in an authentic relationship, you need to share vulnerability. This is important since it makes the other person feel wanted and needed. To share requires trust, which inspires a return of trust. In essence, your opening up creates reciprocity.
Connection is about searching for a safe space where we can be ourselves with no pretences or hiding. It is the proverbial soft place to fall. We can only experience this when we risk exposing our vulnerabilities.
It should not be a shame to be vulnerable, yet we are conditioned by society to put on a “brave face.” Yet, being who we really are with someone is what gets them to find resonance with us. When you are real, they get to be real too, and that is precious.
However, when the person we are in a relationship with does not share their vulnerabilities, there is no reciprocity. This is when trust is not shared or earned. Instead, you would begin to withdraw from that person. They know your secrets now, but you don’t trust them anymore since they won’t share theirs.
Hayley Carr, athlete and public speaker, defines being vulnerable as fully accepting yourself and simply offering the choice to your partner in each moment whether they want to accept you or not. However, there is nothing simple about showing your soft side to someone and hoping they accept that. It’s down right scary!
Yet, when we find someone who will accept us for everything we are, that is the most incredible feeling and relationship on earth.
What would life be like for you when you find someone who will accept your anger, your rage, your sorrow, your boredom, your moodiness, and your laughter in equal measure? Be sure to return the favor when you find that partner.
When people share with us, we return their trust, assuring them by also sharing in turn. This creates closeness and authenticity, and it develops the relationship to the next level of trust. It is about being real, being honest, and being authentic.
In searching for a partner who can meet the requirements for sharing your vulnerability (and theirs), you should be conscious of phrases such as “I won’t judge you,” “I care about your experiences and you,” or “You may trust me and I will never think any less of you.” These mean you have found a good candidate for sharing with.
This person is your partner, not your therapist. It isn’t their role to “fix” you. Instead, they should only be there to listen, to let you open up, and to witness your life. We all need a little validation, to be seen, and a little compassion. These make us feel connected and stop us feeling alone.
2. Finding Connection
The search for connection, for establishing a deep and lasting contact with someone is what drives us all to enter relationships. Despite the risks of entering relationships, we persevere in the hope of finding someone who will be our match and offer us the contact and connection we seek.
Truly amazing relationships can be defined as an exchange of energy and equal efforts through a strong bond or connection. This connection is made all the better by opening up and using the channels of communication effectively.
Being an effective communicator means you speak with your partner not from a position of power but from a shared perspective. This shared perspective is your connection. It is when you are comfortable opening up and asking questions or having conversations about your relationship without interjecting judgments.
Having connections allows for the sharing of space and partnership within the relationship. Connection is about risking together, sharing your shadows, and being open and authentic enough to inspire confidence and shared vulnerability.
When people talk about a relationship failing due to a lack of commitment, they often mean it failed due to a lack of connection. When you are connected, you will be committed too. Connection brings understanding, and this deepens your relationship, thus fostering love and appreciation.
3. Opening Up
Opening up isn’t as easy as you may think. After all, if it was easy, we would all be doing it. The rewards of being open with your partner are certainly enticing enough. So, why don’t more people open up and share in their relationships? Why don’t more people risk building their relationships by opening up?
The short answer is that it is a risk, and it is scary as hell! When you share and open up, letting someone into your confidence, it gives that person power over you. What if they turn against you? What if they aren’t trustworthy?
But what if they are? When your partner proves themselves worthy of your trust, it creates a new dynamic to your relationship. Suddenly, you have found a partner in the truest sense of the word. They support you, knowing who you are and what paths you have walked. They are your tribe.
Finding such a partner to trust is only made possible by opening up. This is not to say you should share with everyone in your life. Some people are not trustworthy, and you will need to develop some good judgment in this regard. Oversharing can cause a swift destruction to a relationship that is not ready to be a safe space for sharing.
When you open up to the wrong person at the wrong time, you can get what Julia Kristina calls “a vulnerability hangover.” This is when your opening up has led to vulnerability exposure (not sharing) and resulted in negative thought patterns. You fear your secrets being exposed, and you feel naked and powerless.
Sharing with the right person at the right time can be a most empowering experience. When you are assured your trust is well-placed, you are left with a feeling of power and support that is beyond words. This sensation deepens your bond to that person, creating an amazing relationship.
4. Keeping It Real
We are so quick to show the world what we think it wants to see. This has led to a range of stereotypical concepts that hold people back from their truth. Real men should cry, women should challenge their place in society, and being vulnerable isn’t a sign of weakness.
Keeping it real means acknowledging what you feel and expressing that within your relationship. It may be challenging to your partner, but they will value this expression of being real. You are entitled to opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Don’t hide them.
By believing that you are allowed to be in a relationship where you can be real, you increase the chances of you finding that space. What you contemplate, you attract into your life. Simply believing in your right to be connected can create more relationship satisfaction.
It will open up dialog with your partner and help you excavate your connections from what the world has buried it with. Be that person who admits they love their partner. Connect by saying “I love you” and “I miss you.” Show your vulnerability by being real.
5. Find Like-Minded People to Share With
Often, our actions and words are dictated by what we think others want to see and hear. This is an effort in futility. We don’t know what others want, so we can’t possibly satisfy them. However, we can know what we want when we look inward through a process of self-discovery. We can satisfy ourselves.
When we find people who share this mindset, we increase our opportunities for being authentic. Don’t choose a partner who only revolves around you. While it might be flattering, it won’t make you happy.
Why?
It’s not real.
Find a partner who is in touch with themselves. A like-minded person will value your efforts at transparency and connection. They will reciprocate by opening up and sharing from their end. Any relationship is a give and take.
You should open up only when your partner can receive that information and share their own. A like-minded partner will make this process all the more beneficial and ease you into sharing if you aren’t used to it. This sharing can become the glue that helps to build your relationship.
How to Be Fully Authentic and Open
Being fully authentic is not something you are taught in school. In fact, that is perhaps where you lose your authentic voice. At schools, you are taught to be what everyone wants you to be.
Authenticity or being real takes a place on the backburner when you are closed off. Since all your energy goes into maintaining a facade of pretense, you feel drained, and soon, your relationships stagnate.
You learn to bury your inner voice and hide the bits of yourself that aren’t all that “pretty” to look at.
This is where you learn to doubt others and begin to believe they judge you. You learn not to open up. When you keep secrets in a relationship, your partner can sense you are holding back, and this can be a destructive force. Sharing your vulnerabilities shows your partner you trust and respect them enough to open up your inner self to them.
What have you been taught not to share? Here are some examples of what you might be too scared, ashamed, or sad to share:
| What You Don’t Share | How Does It Make You Feel? | How Could You Share It? | The Results |
| Fears | Scared and weak | Find opportunities to talk about these with someone you care about | Sharing lightens the load, and you can begin to face your fears |
| Insecurities | Weak and unloved | Begin to trust other people in small ways | When you trust others, they trust you |
| Failures | Embarrassed and ashamed | Discuss past failures with a close person | They might help you see that these were not failures or that it is okay to fail |
| Dreams | Lost or alone | You could discuss your dreams with your partner or write them down in a shared journal | You may need encouragement to fulfill your dreams, and your partner should be your best supporter |
When you are new to sharing, you may need to create some rituals or habits to help you unbottle your life. This doesn’t mean you drown your partner with information, far exceeding their ability to process your “sharing.”
Instead, you should consider how you share, when you share, and with whom you share. The way in which you share can make or break a relationship. Sharing overload can be damaging.
Imagine suddenly upending your emotional baggage, your past experiences, and thoughts onto your partner in one deluge. They would run screaming! Rather try to practice some restraint and create a sharing routine that helps you manage the flow of information and how and why you open up.
Seven Days to Open Up
Following a weekly planner is one approach to help you and your partner open up (be sure to check with your partner how they and you feel about these sharing routines):
Monday
Phone your sister and try to talk about feelings/memories/the past.
Tuesday
Engage in journaling to get clarity on an issue. Only share once you have found the right words on paper.
Wednesday
Have an early morning chat with your partner over a cup of coffee when you are both fresh and not yet exhausted by a day of concerns and stressors. Keep it short and to the point.
Thursday
Create a sharing jar. In a glass jar, keep slips of paper written with topics that could stimulate conversation and moments of sharing. Each Thursday, draw a topic and spend some time after dinner discussing this topic.
Friday
Photo sharing is something we easily do, but we don’t always share how we felt at the moment of that photo. Use your photo album or phone gallery to look at memories and discuss how you felt, or what you experienced when the photo was taken.
Saturday
New ways to open up are presented to you every day. Use Saturday afternoons to choose a new way to share with your partner. Perhaps send each other text messages when you are both reclining on the sofa for a lazy afternoon? This can be an ideal way to share when you are still somewhat unsure.
Sunday
Use the new week ahead to discuss your hang-ups and fears, entering the week freed from worries and feeling supported.
By following a weekly sharing routine, you can manage the flow of information and sharing, making sure you don’t share when you are both tired and that sharing is equal. Sharing isn’t something most people are comfortable with, so you may both need some prompting to help you share.
When you are learning to share and open up to your partner, you might benefit from these tips on sharing and connecting:
● Own Your Reflection
Look in the mirror. Really look at yourself without any make-up or artificial dollying up. Are there lines under your eyes or a look there you cringe at? How did these get there? How can you own them?
Seeing your reflection helps to contextualize your life. It connects your inner thoughts with the concept of self. You begin to unravel the barriers that have held back your real self.
When you are authentic, you have completely accepted yourself. You see yourself for who you are, and importantly, you share that truth with those close to you. This is how you own your reflection.
Introspection and self-reflection will guide you to finding and embracing your truth, and while this is an exciting step in your self-development, it is also quite terrifying. It leaves you vulnerable. Trusting your partner enough to share this journey with them empowers them to help you. This builds bonds of trust and connection.
● Accept Flaws (Yours and Theirs)
When you meet someone for the first time, you tend to put your best foot forward, hiding your flaws. While making a good first impression is important, once you are in a relationship with that person, you should be able to relax and be yourself.
Continuing to hide your flaws from the person you are closest to says that you don’t trust them. It indicates that you fear their criticism. In a close relationship, there should be enough trust and care to accept flaws—yours and theirs.
Being real enough to admit your flaws to yourself will equip you with the skills to show these to your loved one. It’s a risk the first time you walk in front of your partner with no make-up on and feel naked because your first boyfriend made you feel ugly without it.
Showing your flaws to your partner could include being a guy who cries over puppies because your dad made you take your dog to a shelter when you were eight years old because you had moved to a small apartment, but it is worth risking for the right partner.
The right partner celebrates your flaws with you, accepting them, and helping you heal from your hang-ups by being supportive. Accessing this support requires the guts to show your vulnerability to your partner by opening up. Once you have opened up a few times and had your trust validated, it becomes easier to share, and your relationship will deepen.
You might consider learning more about the art of being vulnerable with yourself and within your relationships by watching this TEDx video on the power of vulnerability by Brené Brown, which speaks about being seen in life. When you accept your flaws, you allow people to see you for who you really are.
If you are loud, celebrate it; if you are sensitive, share it; and if you are ashamed, own it and learn from it. You are wonderfully vulnerable, and by discovering and sharing it, you can help your partner discover and become empowered by their vulnerability. This amazingness creates closeness.
● Discover Your Truth
Living more authentically requires that you become proactive. You need to seek your own self-acceptance as this will make you more likely to trust your partner to accept you. Being mindful, changing the way you see vulnerability, and believing you are worthy of love and affection is how you discover your truth and own it.
Sharing that truth, that vulnerability, and that honesty is what draws the right person closer to you. Note, this will draw the right person closer. Vulnerability will push the wrong person away. Your truth will be uncomfortable for those who aren’t ready to do real, and they will not respond to it in kind.
● Show Kindness
Vulnerability in a relationship requires that you show your partner kindness. The same way in which you want them to accept and support you requires that you reciprocate when they share their vulnerabilities. Showing kindness to them and to yourself is essential to building lasting bonds of trust.
You wouldn’t share with someone in the future when they act insensitive or unsupportive to you. Likewise, your partner won’t share their vulnerabilities or open up again if you don’t respect and support them when they do. Showing kindness is a prerequisite for opening up.
This kindness helps you to accept the person for who they are, no matter what they share.
Searching for someone who is capable of this level of commitment and kindness requires a process of sharing, validation, reflection, and more sharing. Like trying a new skincare product, you try a little, evaluate if it works (or if there’s a negative reaction), and then you apply a little more the next day and the next.
Even the kindest heart may run if you simply dump a bomb in their lap, so be sensitive and use a bit of moderation and healthy judgment.
● Let Go
At the end of the day, what holds you back might be your own inhibitions, your hang-ups, your fears, and your doubts. You will have to let go to share your inner self, to show your vulnerability to your partner, and to trust them to be there to catch you when you fall.
While you can test the waters with a few smaller shares and gauge their response to these, there comes a point where you have to trust and let go. This may be the most terrifying moment of your life, and there are no guarantees, but the risk is worth it.
The reward of letting go, of sharing, of opening up to your partner is a deeper connection, ever-growing trust, and greater empathy. Having a really amazing relationship depends on opening up to include your partner.
Questioning the Power of Authenticity
When you are becoming comfortable with what your vulnerable looks like, you may have some questions that pop up:
1. What does an authentic relationship look like?
When you are in an authentic relationship, you experience feelings of being enabled, of having wings. Your significant other helps you out when you are feeling down, and they encourage and trust you because of your vulnerabilities, not in spite of them.
2. How can I be more vulnerable when dating?
Stop dating with your guard up and use vulnerability as a way to get to know the other person. Remind yourself that vulnerability isn’t weakness.
A Final Reality Check
Embracing your own vulnerabilities will equip you to better deal with and support those of your partners in life. You should share your inner side with someone you trust. Sharing builds connections, and it builds trust.
Exposing your vulnerable side shouldn’t be a process of “ready or not, here I am—all 10,000 pieces of me.” Instead, by making a decision on what to share with whom, you give yourself the best chance of finding someone whom your truth will resonate with. It eases you into sharing and into opening up, without risking all.
You might consider the following points when deciding if your partner is ready for sharing:
- Are they sensitive enough to process your past?
- Do they support you unconditionally in other aspects of your life?
- Have you supported them in difficult times in their life before?
- Is your partner prone to judging other people?
- Do they play fair when you have relationship conflicts?
Sharing is about creating connections within your relationship. It develops communication, and it deepens emotional closeness while fostering understanding. With a series of smaller sharing goals for each week, you can begin to take baby steps towards revealing your vulnerabilities to your partner.
Remain conscious of how you develop your authenticity by checking on whether you are:
- In touch with your reflection
- Accepting of your flaws and those of others
- In tune with your truth
- Showing yourself kindness and sharing this compassion with others
- Able to let go
Keep it real and connect today.
It doesn’t take years of planning, and it will look different for each of us. After all, we don’t share a universal truth. We are each unique and have walked a different path to get to this point.
Only by letting your partner see your path, know your pain, and share in your reality can you begin the greatest adventure ever with your partner as your best friend, confidant, and carer.